I’m laying here, trying to relax because I have to get up tomorrow before 5 am for my first work shift since my little girl was born.

I spent the evening panicking. The house is a disaster. I had no food in the fridge for supper let alone meals for tomorrow for me, hubby and little V, as well as grandparents who will be watching her.

I’m worried about all of her allergies, what if she has a reaction and I’m not there, what if , what if, what if. All I can do is give all the information to those watching her and pray that they will watch her like I do. I seriously don’t know how allergy mom’s cope.

I’m still a breastfeeding mom, so what will pumping look like, especially as a nurse. Will I find time to pump? Will my co-workers be ok with me leaving the floor to pump? Will V take to the bottle ok? Will I start to hate pumping and quit breastfeeding because of it?

So many thoughts and issues arise when returning to work, especially after being off for a year! I’m utterly terrified to start a new job with new co-workers especially since it has been over a year!

I don’t feel ready to return to work. Will I ever?

It’s so easy to wallow in the guilt of returning to work. Am I making the right decision? Should I just stay home forever? Will I negatively be affecting my children by working? I have absolutely loved being a stay at home mom for the past year. I feel so blessed to live in Canada where this is an option, to stay home for 12 – 18 months after having a newborn.

For moms putting their littles in daycare, I can’t even imagine. For someone you may not know well to watch your kids day in and day out, feeling like you don’t get to see all these new changes that are happening. Wow. You are so strong to do what you need for your family!

We are blessed with me being a nurse and being able to have the option of just working casually, so V going into daycare just didn’t make sense for our family. What that does mean though is worrying about who will watch V, whether grandparents can come, or if J will stay home from work that day and “work from home” (not sure how effective he will be lol).

I keep trying to remind myself that it is like any other day that her grandparents have watched her. Like any other day. Like any other day. It’s on repeat in my head but it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier.

I keep reminding myself she will be safe, she is loved, she won’t remember all these days I didn’t see her at all due to 12 hour shifts. I keep reminding myself that it’s ok to miss her little arms around me, or to look at photos during the day and want to bawl. I keep telling myself it’ll get easier as time goes on.

It is ok to work, it is ok to have a life apart from your kids. Healthy even. I have been dreading/dreaming of the day I get to return to work, and have a purpose other than keeping my child alive and loved.

Is it going to be difficult, heck yes. Is it ok to bawl and miss them, 100%. Is it ok to look forwards to leaving the house, for adult interaction, totally. Is it ok to blame yourself or doubt your love for your kids because you are a working mom, absolutely not.

Whatever you have to do for your family, whether that means working casually, part time, full time. Whether you have family watching your kids or they have a nanny or are in day care. Just know, you are doing what you need to, in the now, to raise and protect them. Just continue to show your children how much you love them, and enjoy every moment you have together as a family.

That is what I am trying to do, live in the now. Will I cry tomorrow, an absolute guarantee. Will it be hard to not see my precious daughter, totally. Does it suck being a pumping mom, totally! But we do what we gotta do.

Don’t let that mom guilt bring you down. Revel in the moment with your family ❤️ that’s what I am doing.